Many people seek out counselling because they are in some way ‘unhappy’. Something in their life is preventing them from being happy. There are, of course, many reasons why this might be and counselling is very good for exploring those reasons and looking at how things might be improved.
For this first blog post for Herne Hill Counselling, I thought I would look briefly at the meaning of happiness and what we, as a human community, know about it.
Am I happy?
The state of ‘happiness’ is something that most people want to achieve, but what does it mean and how do you get it? It’s usually fairly easy to tell when you’re unhappy and most people can also think of times when they have been happy. Many of us, when asked, can also list things that make us happy. A recent Facebook meme asks that we post five pictures that ‘make us happy’ and then nominate someone else to do the same. Most of the pictures feature people or animals – reminders of fun times had or loved ones, some still with us and some who have passed on.
But happiness is elusive and people seem to be constantly searching for it. We all ‘just want to be happy’. The quest for happiness is fraught with traps. Often we think that once we have achieved something: weight loss; a partner; improvements in our relationships; children; a bigger house; a better income; a higher status at work; we will be happy.
We also are told regularly that money won’t make us happy and neither will having more ‘stuff’ – better cars, more up-to-date technology etc. and most of us will have experienced finally getting something we really wanted only to find it didn’t quite do what we thought it would for us, or not for long anyway.
The pursuit of happiness is not a modern concern. Philosophers have long sought to discover its secrets. One common theme that emerges from their writings is that of finding meaning in life whatever the circumstances. Another is that our relationships to others and to the natural world are of great importance.
The Science
The scientific study of happiness is called ‘Positive Psychology’ and it has become a rather serious area of study as doctors and those concerned with finding out what happiness is really all about try to bring together various ideas about how people achieve it.
Research attributes happiness to a few key traits that those people who appear to have it share:
- They have good connections with other people (often just a few key relationships), nature (they enjoy and like to experience the natural world), and their own bodies (they take care of their physical wellbeing);
- They know where their strengths lie and are good at and using them creatively to improve their lives and the lives of others;
- They have discovered a personal meaning in life and are able to find fulfilment in contributing to something greater than themselves.
This is interesting information but knowing what makes happy people happy is different from being able to achieve happiness yourself especially if you suffer from depression or some other form of mental ill health. This is sometimes where counselling can help. Unpicking the meaning of our own lives, our own strengths and weaknesses and the path to fulfilment can be valuable work when done with a counsellor and can enable people to work towards a happier life.
My thoughts:
I think that happiness is about fulfilment and contentment. It is about being loved and loving others, about feeling in touch with your place in the world and about the energy exchange in giving and receiving from the world – it’s about the flow of life and the solving of problems to let that flow continue. The flow means that nothing stays static – one spiritual truth that I recognise is that, if you try to hold onto something, that flow stagnates, so, when those exquisite moments come along, they need to be lived in that moment, felt mindfully, noticed and allowed to soak into our being.
But then, they must be let go to make room for the flow to continue. They can be remembered, treasured and relived but we cannot stay ‘in’ them forever. Think of children on a day out or doing something ‘exciting’. Often, they are reluctant to stop, they desire to go on and on doing the wonderful thing that has brought them so much pleasure. What they don’t understand is that the thing can’t last forever; they must go home, eat, sleep and go back to school. If the thing lasted forever it wouldn’t be fun anymore.
We need to be aware of when those moments are happening and we need to fully experience them without allowing other things to dilute them. We need to be mindful, not thinking about the past or the future but being fully alive in the present. Moments of happiness can be small or large and can come from many inspirations – watching a beautiful sunset, getting a hug from someone you love, watching your child perform in a school play, creating something beautiful, solving a problem, mastering a new skill, smelling the Autumn air at night, watching your football team, playing a sport, reading a great book, exercising or meditating.
I believe that we cannot be permanently happy and that sadness, grief, stagnation, frustration and other ‘negative’ feelings must be honoured. This doesn’t mean we have to enjoy them or embrace them. We don’t even have to try to learn something from them (although we may) but we must know that they will always be around and that we will experience them. By constantly fighting them, we will not make them go away any more quickly. By allowing them in and encouraging the flow, they too will move on to make way, hopefully, for more of the happy times.
References and further reading: